strangestangel.com

Well ok, I had the FIFTH interview today and I guess I have to decide whether I want to be a contract worker or whether I want to be hourly. I think hourly is the way to go. The head guy said I should choose my salary however he made it seem as if he was strapped for cash which ULTIMATELY makes me feel bad for asking for money. But I think I’ll set it at $10 an hour? I have a REALLY hard time believing I’m worth that much. I’ve never had to set my salary before (unless you count the time that Justin @ Guidance asked me how much I thought I wanted for a job but that didn’t really count).

So I have to pick a $ amount. And I have to give an estimate of how long it will take me to build a site for Stratford Management. Oh well I mean, I’m smart and I can do anything right? I’ll set a price and give it my best shot and if I suck then I will have learned something and I will only have myself to blame. The snag is…*gasp* I think the big man at Start. is kind of a letch and he touched me WAY too much today. I’ll make it a point to ask Stephanie if I am insane for feeling weird. I like her. She’s really awesome.

Ok well in other news, I feel weird about going to Phoenix tonight. I feel like crying. I’m getting that claustrophobic social anxiety feeling. I feel so freaked out about going to my home town and being w/ my friends. Why is that? I’m really not feeling right. I feel like I should stay home and work on azrocky and think about the Stratford job but then I think I should get out and have a good time, go to rocky and maybe see “TM2″ again. Maybe I should just shut up and do it!? I probably will though it won’t make it any less hellish on me. I’ll still be secretly wishing mike would turn the car around. I’ll still be trying not to cry myself to sleep. I feel like crying NOW. I have the same feeling I did when I was a little girl….I would get so home sick I would try to leave in the middle of the night and go home. I would cry all the time. I know I’ll be home sick for my bed and my sanctuary and my cats just like I was home sick for my bed and stuffed animals when I was a child. *whimper* I don’t want to leave my house. I just want to melt into the floor and be a part of the structure. I just want to be left alone. *creepy depression sinking in*

I’m kind of scared of my feelings. They’re creepy and they make me feel like I’m going to die but I know I won’t. I’m just a scared little girl inside….I’m a big strong woman outside. Why can’t I just be balanced??!!

*about to cry* I had better stop while I’m a head.

–k