At this moment in my life, as I have a lot of spare time lying on my parents spare bed, I spend a fair amount of time with earbuds inserted and eyes firmly planted on on the ceiling late at night. My good friends George Michael and Cathy Dennis tonight whisper in my ears their familiar exclaimations of Love and Longing. I feel about 8 years old again (about as old as I was when these people were international pop stars of renoun) and it’s a feeling not of warm fuzzy pre-adolescent thoughts but of anxiety.
You see, I don’t have a lot of happy memories that I can recall at about the ages of 6 to 8, mostly when I think of these times, I feel a great deal of anxiety. In the stillness of the night, I can almost hear my parents arguing in the living room or expect the door to open, shattering any sense of privacy or security. These “trips down memory lane” fill me with anxiousness and a longing for stability. I think these ages stick out in my mind as the most anxious is because perhaps as I got a little older, I… Continue reading
I’ll save the preface for after the dream typing. That’s wrong but right now, I don’t care. I dozed a bit ago and had a lot of subconscious activity in just the two hours or so I slept. Here’s the best I can make out of it.
Isn’t it the truth – thinking that because you’re not seeing it, you’re not hearing it, you’re not experiencing it NOW that it isn’t there any longer? Life can make you a fool.
I had thought earlier, just how did I become this Zen goddess, this Yoda like creature of calm? It’s been a journey these last several years and mostly, the last two that have yielded this new sense of “calm”.
If you’ve been following my LJ (and God knows, you probably have not) you would know that I’ve struggled the last several years (starting in around 2006) with various health issues. It started with some “female” issues and then I started to develop terrible pain and a feeling of “swelling” in my legs. I became even more fatigued than I had ever been. As time went on, I started to have odd symptoms – my limbs turning colors (red/purple/white), pain in my hands, numbness in my fingers, problems with vision, bleeding into my intestines (defecating pints of blood), thyroid problems, worsening back problems, etc.
Later, I found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus the size of a large grapefruit. But this is all old hat.
After an embolization, surgery and many, many different doctors giving many, many different theories, I went to the Mayo Clinic. They confirmed many things wrong but didn’t do any thing to help. Again, old hat.
I’ve been on pain medication now for at least two years which has helped. I’m still in a lot of pain daily but at least I’m not crawling into work and crying the first 2 hours of every day from the pain in my hands, legs and face. I’m back on seizure meds and now I’m taking an anti-depressant for my chronic pain. I really think it’s my (very cool) neurologists way of saying “I think you need this to help you emotionally”. I’m convinced I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER.
To be fair to myself, yes I am doing much better. It’s been a journey, as I said and it’s been more bearable with pain meds, my seizure meds, a lot of soul and spiritual searching, a lot of coming to terms calmly and of course, a lot of thankfulness. I’ve learned these two years that I’m strong. I’ve learned to cope in healthier ways, not the healthiest because I am kind of an emotional eater. *chuckle* But as I tell my dr, I’m celibate so at least I can have chocolate, right? She doesn’t agree.
I think too much … I think too little. I’m thinking too much and too little at the same time right NOW. I am young and I feel like I am SPEEDING towards getting old. This is both good and bad. I’m in the middle some where … always.