Posts Tagged ‘S.I.’
‘i’ll be watching you…’
blah blah blah
Well how funny. I picked a bunch of random songs and hit the ‘random’ button on my MP3 player and guess what song is on? ‘Every Breath You Take’! *laughing hysterically* I’m sorry but it’s the perfect obsessive song and really… I’ve been obsessive lately. Over “L”, over BOTH my ex’es, over working, living, life in general. This song is oddly prefect. Especially for “L” who I think of every other moment I’m awake.
I’ve been very very depressed this evening. “Tensticks” ripped into me a little but it was not untrue… what he said. It was all true. I have to work on the site tomorrow. I’ve been a real dick. Then again I’ve been contemplating dark deeds but well that’s no excuse to slack.
I thought of cutting again and yet again I avoided it. But God do I feel like shit.
You know what just occurred to me? There are people who read this!? Who read MY diary! That’s kind of insane. Wow well if you’ve just tuned in, you missed all the happy lovey stuff several days ago. I would venture to say several weeks ago. You missed all the good stuff. I went from totally euphoric to nearly suicidal. Isn’t that a trip? And to think you don’t even know me and you’re reading this. But really… don’t let the fact that I’m depressed stop you from enjoying what you’re reading. Please… read some of the older entries.
And you know what else, I’m sure there are people who think “oh god another depressed chick… blah….” but oh no (!) it’s not at ALL what you think! I’m oddly interesting. Trust me on this. My life is a source of entertainment for all those around me. You’ll probably feel the same.
Ok I’m running at the fingers now (Michael Conklin where are you now… I miss you very much *sigh*). Too bad I’m ending this on the note of “Heart and Soul” even though I love this song and it’s very much where I’m at. I need a little “heart and soul”.
‘give a little bit of heart and soul… don’t you make me beg you for more’
‘love will never compromise… this is the politics of life…’
-k
Posted in "Tensticks", dating, depressed, Ex-Boyfriends, Friends, lonliness, Michael Conklin, mike, S.I., tucson | 
Tags: "Lord of Hell", dating, depressed, friends, life, Mike, S.I., tucson | 
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‘i’ve never seen you when you’re smiling… it really gets under my skin’
blah blah blah
‘it’s the color of your skin….your skin is black metallic’
I was just thinking (as per the usual) and I was thinking that I would like for someone that I could love to fall in love with everything about me. Not what’s on the outside (and there isn’t much or maybe it’s that there is *too* much?) but the little gears in my head. And as you may know by now… I think a lot. I used to stay awake at night… all hours… and think and think until I feel asleep from being totally exhausted. I don’t do that as much as I used to but I *do* think a lot.
Yes I want this person to fall in love with my gears and all the little things that push and pull my thoughts. I think about things that seem to be very important but gee, don’t we all? I guess we don’t. I think about loves lost and I fantasize. I think about loneliness. I think about poetry and beauty and the ugly things. I think.
I want someone to quote beautiful yet obscure song lyrics to me because they some how can’t think of just the right thing to say… so they say something random and beautiful from a song. I want some one to give me that knowing look during a song that breaks my heart.
This reminds me… “L” and I were at a friend’s house and Led Zeplin was on… ‘Thank You’ to be exact. I didn’t know they did that song… alll I knew was that Tori covered it. I found myself singing along. “L” was doing our friend’s dishes. “L” is such a wonderful man and a wonderful friend. At that moment, ‘Thank You’ burned into my head as the song I would remember “L” by. I was singing that song all weekend in my head. I wish he knew this. I wish I could whisper in his ear… ‘where will it lead us from here’?
I am procrastinating today. It’s Sunday and I have a tendency to do that sort of thing. I procrastinate. I should be working on azrocky for “Tensticks”. A girl in the cast threw a fit because I put another girl up instead of her. That burns me in an odd way. So I have to fix it before she shits herself. God some people.
I don’t know. I’m sad. What’s new?
I have a cool razor thing. I thought of making some small cuts the other day… but silly me… I got distracted by the cat and decided to take a nap. All destructive tendencies can be erased by a nap. :) So I no longer have the impulsive need. But I am still very sad.
I was thinking (sense a trend?) yesterday about my interest in S & M relationships. I don’t cut anymore but I am interested in a S & M relationship. I guess I like pain… it shocks me out of my body… I don’t feel like I live here a lot of times. I’m just that way.
Ok well ‘Thank You’ is on and I must shrivel into dust.
‘can’t hold on, i’ll give you my arm….’
-k