Posts Tagged ‘“Rocco”’
‘i still can’t believe SpeedRacer is dead’
‘i have been driven like the snow but this is cooling … faster than i can’
Training days seem to stretch on. Today was odd but not so bad … it’s just been a weird part of a weird week for me. I’m still not angry. Why am I not angry?
I came to work … no note from you-know-who (or do you?) … and things were going w/o incident. Then I came back from something … a break maybe and “he” was there talking w/ his ex … the mother of his child. So I walk past them … in my team’s area for some weird reason … and there is a Lords of Acid sticker sitting on my desk. Of course it was from him … man w/ LofA stickers on his car … who knows I kind of like the Lords. So I was like “mmmmm ok cool I guess” and I felt all weird. I don’t know what to do. I want to be angry … pissed … I want to not try to justify things to myself. But then I get the gut urge to go and chat w/ him … be friendly like it never happened. Maybe it just happened in my head. But I know … I know it didn’t just happen in my head. I don’t know.
So I looked at the sticker a few hours later and realized it was rather sexual. And he had a heap of them … I talked to him for a few minutes (against my best judgement but it was hard not to) and he told me he got them from the mailing list. For a few minutes it felt like nothing had ever happened and I could see that glimmer in his eyes … like I was warming up and it was really ok. Then I made reference to it not really being appropriate … some thing sexual we happened on. And I left. Went cold and walked away. And he seemed disappointed.
I got an email from some one on LJ this morning … it touched me. I printed and took it w/ me to work today. I know it sounds silly … printing an email from some random person but I appreciate randomailia. I looked at it when I got the urge to pretend it was all good … when I felt like chatting up you-know-who. It worked pretty well in fact. Made me think “this is not healthy … why are you doing this to yourself?”. But I have some ideas.
I think it’s like the song “Leather” by Tori Amos when she says “I could just pretend that you love me … the night would loose all sense of fear/but why do I need you to love me … when you can’t hold what I hold dear“. See where I’m going w/ this? If not … maybe I’m tempted to pretend it didn’t happen, that I am really interested in him romantically and so on because in my mind … I just want to make it ok … take the blame … act like it was in my head … so that I don’t feel guilty and so that it’s not awkward. My first instinct is to pretend and make it all better so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort and fear. I can’t deal w/ conflict well.
So there …. there you have it. I’m dumb and this is shitty and I’m on crack. I know. God I need a cigarette … no make that a bottle of vodka and a clove. *sigh*
‘i’m tangled up … i’ve got a kitten kitten kitten in my hair’
My hands are all sticky now .. eating pie and cake for dinner again. I had the last small piece of pizza for dinner and now I’m scarfing cake and pie like it’s going out of style. Milk and pie … damn good. Fuck it though … I live alone and it’s my body. If I want to put on five lbs tonight … fuck it … I will. It’s my goddamned life! I wish I felt more in control of it … or maybe just more in control. I’m not sure which.
-k
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‘here comes your man …’
Your type is the Artiste
Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique guy who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it’s through words, music, or attire. You’re attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn’t feel compelled to abide by society’s norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his “inner self.” You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he’s playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this guy knows how to make you feel special. He’s in touch with his feminine side and doesn’t need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!
…. Hmmm sounds about right. So why do I never hook up w/ this boy? I fall for him … that’s for sure … but do I hook up w/ him mmm NOPE. :( Why can’t I date a guy that can read AND write? Some one intelligent and emotional … caring that is willing to show me I mean some thing …. oh and the big plus … a boy that won’t run and hide. But I seem to only be really interested in boys that are either abusive or that will run for the hills when I start to show interest. I guess I remind the “Artiste” of some ex gf or some previous pain that’s too much to bear again. Sucks to be me. :(
No “MP” dreams last night … that I can remember. But I DID awaken to the sound of crashing and my gut instinct made me think some one was in my home … and my heart pounded … I thought I was going to DIE! Happened twice and I had a bitch of a time sleeping. Oh God!
Ok bye!
You are a Guy’s Girl
Turn on the game and pop the top off a cold one! You’re a true Guy’s Girl — the easy-going, baseball-cap-wearing, jeans-and-flannel-shirt type. Hot dogs and chips are an essential part of your diet, and tossing a ball around is second nature. Definitely low-maintenance and very natural, there’s still plenty of femininity under your tomboy exterior. Breaking out the little black dress and heels every once in a while knocks your guy’s socks off. Besides knowing the latest sports scores and stats by heart, you actually enjoy hanging out with “the guys.” In a romance, you’re your man’s pal as much as his squeeze, and he never has to worry about playing head games with you. The perfect mix of the girl next door and the sporty chick, you’re spontaneous, fun, and all-American.
… All of this is true … frighteningly so except for the sport refeferences and the references to eating meat. Ok so this makes me sound like a female frat boy but really … it’s more like “Roco” explained it … I’m a guy w/ tits and NOT in a bad way. I just get along w/ boys so much better and have more incommon w/ guys. I’m just a down to earth … natural kind of girl. And stuff. So it’s true … but I’m more like the kind of girl that would get along w/ gay guys … art boys … musical types … and so on. Hey … what can I say … I read!?!
‘nothing i do is good enough for you … i crucify myself everyday … my heart is sick of being in chains’
-k
‘oh so many ways for me to show you how your saviour has abandoned you … FUCK YOUR GOD’
I’m not BITTER …. NOT FUCKING BITTER. But really … I’m not. I’m just confused. I admit this …
‘broken down and paralyzed … he did it all for you’
Men have fucked up mentalities … so do women. Case scenario:
Man thinks it’s ok to stick his penis in a woman who has said repeatedly she doesn’t want it … he gives it to her any way … she in turn tells him to stop and he finally does. This is wrong.
Woman has always been in abusive situations … finds herself attracted to men that are either emotionally devoid or who exhibit abusive and/or manipulative personality traits. She feels powerless all of a sudden … knowing this is a pattern. She finds herself oddly attracted to a man that has violated her … taken some thing from her … used her. She finds herself wanting to talk to him … be around him … make herself believe she has feelings for him … to make it all right and make the guilt go away.
Fucked up .. the mentalities we both have … men and women. We’re fucked up.
I see it coming … I see what has happened in my life. I realize my pattern of being w/ abusive and/or cold men. I see things … I find it fearful to trust now. Where do I go now?
‘uh fuck yourself … you piece of shit … go kill yourself instead …’
-k
‘out in arizona’
God suckage … I figured I could wake up ok w/ not a lot of sleep but man … my body just wanted to rest. I want to sleep SO BADLY! So I over slept which means … no shower for kimby … no time. I have about 15 minutes until I have to leave so I’m blogging and eating breakfast (actually I’m eating a bruised banana and drinking healthy juice shyte). DAMNIT.
In other news … more reality check. I’m feeling numb still though … that’s why I feel so able to just blather … unemotionally talk on. I haven’t taken a lot of time to just sit and think about things … I mean I sort of think about things while I’m talking to Freakyme but I’m not having lonely deep thoughts about things … so it isn’t really getting to me. I mean I go through the numbed bursts of “WTF!!!” and then I don’t know … I’m so confused.
Is it wrong to want to run to some one who’s just hurt you … fucked you up … scared you … put you in possible health danger? Mmmm yes … so then why do I keep doing that?
In still other news … I had another dream about “MP”. I had a dream we ran into each other in a bar setting but it wasn’t the bar. And he pulled me aside and we were all close to each other and then he told me he only wanted sex which really took me aback. He said he just wanted to make love and that was it … nothing else. I told him I couldn’t do that since I really liked him emotionally … that I liked him on all three major levels and wanted to be in some kind of something w/ him … before having sex. And he got all disappointed and said that he couldn’t do that … that it was only sexual. And then we hung out and I felt good to be close to him but really sick to my stomach … that he only wanted to have sex w/ me and the person I was didn’t matter.
Weird mental sign? Could be. You analyze it for Christ’s sake.
I have to go … eat more food … drink more beverage and make sure I don’t look like ass even though I kind of feel like ass. :(
-k
listen
I will make this public post short and cryptic but shhhh …. listen to yourself. Don’t second guess yourself. Follow your instincts … don’t be so quick to trust … even when it feels right because … not everyone is a kind and understanding person.
*ssshhh* Listen to yourself … quiet down enough to hear yourself and your thoughts … they are the most important ones.
-k