“r”

I received a text from “R” this morning, a simple hello and what he did last night. I felt filled with jealousy for the people in his new life in CA, that I’m not part of that life. I then felt teary and felt angry, that he’s never once come to see me since he left in 2006. I’ve asked him MORE times than I can count over years to let me go and stop speaking to me if he doesn’t want me or love me. But he never does it, he can’t pull the trigger. He always says that he does want me, he does love me. But yet he’s not said in months or ever (without me saying it first) that he misses me or loves me. He hasn’t made one attempt to see me.

It’s been over for me for a long time, at least since before I moved out of the house on Palm Lane. He knew then how angry and resentful I was getting, how it was effecting my feelings toward the future significantly. Yet he still didn’t agree that we should stop speaking.

I want to move on, I want to meet someone else… Continue reading

Why don’t I just write country songs? That can’t be too hard, right? *ha*

Enough of that silliness, in honesty I have been thinking about resuming my blogging because it used to go so far in keeping me sane. Now, I could use something to keep me awake. The fatigue I feel sucks much of the life out of me and shuts me off from doing the things I love, writing, karaoke, going to concerts, dancing, dating.

Oh yes, dating … I actually hate it but dammit a girl gets lonely now and then. “R” and I still talk daily or mostly daily but the conversation level has gone way down and in fact has become quite predictable and boring, like many relationships past their expiry date. I haven’t seen him in a year come Valentine’s Day, nor have I “gotten any” since that time. What’s with that?

Love, that’s what.

But love, this elusive and cruel thing, can only take you so far before you realize that it’s mythical. What’s more realistic but almost as hard to find is a true sense of intimacy with someone. Once you get past all the hurdles and climb all the ladders you… Continue reading

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