Posts Tagged ‘“r”’
a few other thoughts …
It’s 10:04 pm and I should be asleep. I took some sleeping pills an hour and a half ago to help me to get to sleep. Wouldn’t you know, I’m wide awake and “thinking”. I had set out to put some tunes on to relax me but after listening a little deeply to the lyrics, I started to cry. I realized I really let my relationship with “R” do a number on me emotionally.
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Protected: No More Crying.
Posted in "r", @kentague, dating, Ex-Boyfriends, lonliness, love, relationships, romantic adversaries | 
Tags: "r", character, dating, depressed, life, love, Twitter | 
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I’m at my wits end …
I received a text from “R” this morning, a simple hello and what he did last night. I felt filled with jealousy for the people in his new life in CA, that I’m not part of that life. I then felt teary and felt angry, that he’s never once come to see me since he left in 2006. I’ve asked him MORE times than I can count over years to let me go and stop speaking to me if he doesn’t want me or love me. But he never does it, he can’t pull the trigger. He always says that he does want me, he does love me. But yet he’s not said in months or ever (without me saying it first) that he misses me or loves me. He hasn’t made one attempt to see me.
It’s been over for me for a long time, at least since before I moved out of the house on Palm Lane. He knew then how angry and resentful I was getting, how it was effecting my feelings toward the future significantly. Yet he still didn’t agree that we should stop speaking.
I want to move on, I want to meet someone else and be happy. I want to not feel guilt for speaking with someone else or having an attraction to someone else. I shouldn’t feel guilty, there wasn’t much relationship to speak of and yet I do feel as if I owe him … something. What else could I give? I’ve given money, I’ve given my love and most importantly, years of my TIME. Time I could have met someone else. Time I could’ve maybe been married in or had a child, maybe could have found love. But I hung on, being a silly believer in true love overcoming.
True love just hurts, it doesn’t overcome a damned thing.
How do I say “well for me it’s been over but now I can’t even speak to you because when I do, I burst into tears of anger, jealously, hurt, resentment …”. I haven’t a clue how to say “good-bye” to someone I’ve loved so MUCH, so G*damned much.
Time to eat my lunch, contemplate my options. Feel sad and broken inside. Feeling a lot of conflicting emotions but I know what is healthiest for me, to move on for real. To really say I’m seeing other people, I’m moving on with my life, I’m not being strung along a moment longer. *sob* I don’t know how to do that. Theory, fine but practice, not so much.
love – k
PS. For background, go to “Not a Love Story” and start at the beginning.
been thinkin’ and I haven’t been drink’in … nearly enough to say I love you.
Why don’t I just write country songs? That can’t be too hard, right? *ha*
Enough of that silliness, in honesty I have been thinking about resuming my blogging because it used to go so far in keeping me sane. Now, I could use something to keep me awake. The fatigue I feel sucks much of the life out of me and shuts me off from doing the things I love, writing, karaoke, going to concerts, dancing, dating.
Oh yes, dating … I actually hate it but dammit a girl gets lonely now and then. “R” and I still talk daily or mostly daily but the conversation level has gone way down and in fact has become quite predictable and boring, like many relationships past their expiry date. I haven’t seen him in a year come Valentine’s Day, nor have I “gotten any” since that time. What’s with that?
Love, that’s what.
But love, this elusive and cruel thing, can only take you so far before you realize that it’s mythical. What’s more realistic but almost as hard to find is a true sense of intimacy with someone. Once you get past all the hurdles and climb all the ladders you have to with someone while dating to get to intimacy, then you have to wonder if it’s going to be worth it. Will they treat you with respect? Will they take the time to care for you, please you (and not just expect you to please them)? Will they wait if you need to wait and hold you when you just need a good snuggle? Or will they just expect their 3 pumps before they roll over and start thinking about work tomorrow?
*sigh*
So I’m single, not dating, not getting any and I’m constantly fatigued. I don’t have the energy for this dating jibba jabba nor do I even have much energy for any thing but work and some days, including work. When does my fairy Godmother bonk me over the head with fairy dust and a wand in order to cure my aching bones ‘n joints and cause Prince Charming-Enough to charge up in his Mustang to the land of Intimacy?
I’m diluded, clearly. And perhaps, I should be drinking. But baby “I love you”. *sigh*
- k