I don’t know how to deal with this … how to deal with some one taking advantage of my soul and my body … then being so manipulative … I just want to run and hide. I don’t want to see him tomorrow … to have him touch me … be near me. I don’t want his guilt trip sweet talkin’ … his “i’m sorry i hurt you … i have feelings for you…’ .
I feel dirty and used. Scared. I want Mike to come up here and handle this … to hold me and never ever leave me … but it’s just the cycle of abuse that I put myself though … I let myself be the abused chick … the one w/ the low self esteem … the one that rationalized all the abuse as just my imagination. I need to stop … or I will allow myself to die because I didn’t give a shit enough about myself to keep myself from being violated … abused … crushed and put down. I need to not let this happen to me … but honestly … I feel powerless to stop it.
Well I’m cold as Hell. It’s freezing in here and we only have two small space heaters. Damnit! But I love this house. I’ll miss it when I go. :(
What’s going on with me? Not a lot. Working on a new layout for my web page. It’s going good but I need to decide on content and if I want to use frames. That’s my big web dilemma. :)
Also I don’t know, I’ve been floating on compliments today. What can I say, the boys just love me. :P God I’m so full of shit but it’s fun to be me sometimes.
Also I’m flip flopping. I was depressed today, earlier. I had a bad experience with Mike last night which I was going to document but I have decided not to. It was not pleasant though. It made me feel distrustful and angry and hurt. There are things that happen at vulnerable times that can hurt you psychologically. I don’t know… but it’s over I suppose.
‘give all your hope to me… make all your love to me…’
God I have this weird need for sensuality in my life. I feel at times (ok always) that I don’t… Continue reading