strangestangel.com

I had an interesting day yesterday. The phone just rang off the hook I swear. :) I talked to Beloth about life and stuff … it was good to hear from him … and be sure that he doesn’t hate me (for being a hugely busy flake :). I talked to Freakyme as well. I talked to more people too.

Then I went out and got some hairs cut … I look like a geek. It kind of blows. Then I spent entirely too much money on NOTHING … walked around alone for a few hours and felt really doggy … really lonely and dumb. Then I came home w/ the intention to talk to Freakyme about going out and eating … then I talked to “Roco” and I don’t know … it was like a guilt trip but I know that’s not what he meant it to be … I cried a little any ways. I mean I feel honestly bad … he seems to really want to have a serious relationship w/ ME of all people and I don’t know … I’m not there … I’m not wanting to go there. So I got off the phone w/ him and “Moan-ie Moan” (mmm dunno) came over. We hi-jacked Freakyme to go to Shooters to have some drinks. It was dead … but I ran into “Madame Clitoria” … an old friend from my Valley Art days. He had gained some weight … looked much aged but handsome in a way he didn’t look when we were teenagers … nearly adults. He’s as gay as ever and so cute! We exchanged HUG after HUG after HUG and he asked about where I was living … who I was living w/ … where I was working … what I had been doing … and I asked the same of him. He looked at me … after a hug … and told me he had something to tell me. I thought he was going to bust out and say “I’m sleeping w/ women…” that was the WORST I could have imagined at the time … but it was worse. He told me he has HIV. I put my arms around him again … this is horrible. “Madame Clitoria” … sweet and flakey … can’t have this … but he does. He assured me he’s healthy … that he’s know for two years … that he’s ok with it and that he is truly happy w/ his life. What a price to pay though … for living and being young … but I am glad to hear … that he is happy. I gave him my number and expect to start hearing from him soon … to hang out. :)

Then we ditched Shooters to go eat … met up w/ “E” from Shooters and bullshited and ate appetizers and drank big round glasses of alcohol. That was fun. It was a good time … just talking smack and drinkin’ and talking about our deepest darkest secrets. It was fun. Then we stood outside for ever and talked about secrets and penis’ (I have no clue how to write multiple penis-es :). We talked about “Roco’s” HUGE penis … bigger than a baby’s arm … like a soup can. :) And “E” wanted to know about size.

Then we left. I flashed “E” my tits on the car ride home … as his car was parallel to “Moan-ie’s”. That was funny …. glad I didn’t cause an accident. :) I was talking about how tempted I was to go and call “Roco” and hang at his hotel room … I know … against any one’s better judgment but he’s HAD the chance to take advantage of me and hurt me … he didn’t and I trust him. I don’t know why I trust him … I just really do. I really honestly believe he has deep feelings for me and doesn’t intend to hurt me … well not now at least …

So I got home … ready to call “Roco” and BAM I find my ex lying on my bed … sleeping. :( Then I got into bed … I was horny from all the night’s fun so I was going to sleep w/ him (again … not a good judgement call but fuck it :) and then the phone rang. Oh I forgot that I had called “Roco” to tell him I had company and he GOT MAD AND HUNG UP ON ME which pissed me off. Then he called back as things were about to get going and he said he had expected me to not answer the phone …. that he was going to leave me vmail and say … what he didn’t know. So I tried to talk to him and he HUNG UP AGAIN which pissed me off so I called him back and told him not to do that any more … that he conversation had not been over and it was not acceptable to hang up on me. And then he kind of cowered and said that he was sorry and his voice got all tiny. He had given up the room … because I wasn’t there and he was getting really depressed. I felt like shit … like such a fucking bitch … that I ruined his weekend. :(

This leads me to a tangent:
I feel lonely … often … many days … then my ex shows up and holds me and I can feel the love and the desire … and the awkwardness of it all. And then I will see “MP” and desire him … and then I will hang out w/ “Roco” and feel the desire to just fool around … and be around some one I feel comfortable around and enjoy just being one of the boys around … and I hear that he wants me to love him … or be his girl friend and this makes me feel claustrophobic. Then again … when they’re all gone … I feel alone … like this isn’t good enough for me … not yet … I’m unfulfilled.

‘the boys a satellite … he won’t be home tonight … we crown ourselves again … there’s been no change since you and i were young’

(hours later) …

Well just got back from dinner. I have a huge head ache. Crying occurred. I am very tired. I’ll expound on this subject later.

-k