Posts Tagged ‘“Lord of Hell”’
‘i’ll be watching you…’
blah blah blah
Well how funny. I picked a bunch of random songs and hit the ‘random’ button on my MP3 player and guess what song is on? ‘Every Breath You Take’! *laughing hysterically* I’m sorry but it’s the perfect obsessive song and really… I’ve been obsessive lately. Over “L”, over BOTH my ex’es, over working, living, life in general. This song is oddly prefect. Especially for “L” who I think of every other moment I’m awake.
I’ve been very very depressed this evening. “Tensticks” ripped into me a little but it was not untrue… what he said. It was all true. I have to work on the site tomorrow. I’ve been a real dick. Then again I’ve been contemplating dark deeds but well that’s no excuse to slack.
I thought of cutting again and yet again I avoided it. But God do I feel like shit.
You know what just occurred to me? There are people who read this!? Who read MY diary! That’s kind of insane. Wow well if you’ve just tuned in, you missed all the happy lovey stuff several days ago. I would venture to say several weeks ago. You missed all the good stuff. I went from totally euphoric to nearly suicidal. Isn’t that a trip? And to think you don’t even know me and you’re reading this. But really… don’t let the fact that I’m depressed stop you from enjoying what you’re reading. Please… read some of the older entries.
And you know what else, I’m sure there are people who think “oh god another depressed chick… blah….” but oh no (!) it’s not at ALL what you think! I’m oddly interesting. Trust me on this. My life is a source of entertainment for all those around me. You’ll probably feel the same.
Ok I’m running at the fingers now (Michael Conklin where are you now… I miss you very much *sigh*). Too bad I’m ending this on the note of “Heart and Soul” even though I love this song and it’s very much where I’m at. I need a little “heart and soul”.
‘give a little bit of heart and soul… don’t you make me beg you for more’
‘love will never compromise… this is the politics of life…’
-k
Posted in "Tensticks", dating, depressed, Ex-Boyfriends, Friends, lonliness, Michael Conklin, mike, S.I., tucson | 
Tags: "Lord of Hell", dating, depressed, friends, life, Mike, S.I., tucson | 
4 Comments »
‘i’ve never seen you when you’re smiling… it really gets under my skin’
blah blah blah
‘it’s the color of your skin….your skin is black metallic’
I was just thinking (as per the usual) and I was thinking that I would like for someone that I could love to fall in love with everything about me. Not what’s on the outside (and there isn’t much or maybe it’s that there is *too* much?) but the little gears in my head. And as you may know by now… I think a lot. I used to stay awake at night… all hours… and think and think until I feel asleep from being totally exhausted. I don’t do that as much as I used to but I *do* think a lot.
Yes I want this person to fall in love with my gears and all the little things that push and pull my thoughts. I think about things that seem to be very important but gee, don’t we all? I guess we don’t. I think about loves lost and I fantasize. I think about loneliness. I think about poetry and beauty and the ugly things. I think.
I want someone to quote beautiful yet obscure song lyrics to me because they some how can’t think of just the right thing to say… so they say something random and beautiful from a song. I want some one to give me that knowing look during a song that breaks my heart.
This reminds me… “L” and I were at a friend’s house and Led Zeplin was on… ‘Thank You’ to be exact. I didn’t know they did that song… alll I knew was that Tori covered it. I found myself singing along. “L” was doing our friend’s dishes. “L” is such a wonderful man and a wonderful friend. At that moment, ‘Thank You’ burned into my head as the song I would remember “L” by. I was singing that song all weekend in my head. I wish he knew this. I wish I could whisper in his ear… ‘where will it lead us from here’?
I am procrastinating today. It’s Sunday and I have a tendency to do that sort of thing. I procrastinate. I should be working on azrocky for “Tensticks”. A girl in the cast threw a fit because I put another girl up instead of her. That burns me in an odd way. So I have to fix it before she shits herself. God some people.
I don’t know. I’m sad. What’s new?
I have a cool razor thing. I thought of making some small cuts the other day… but silly me… I got distracted by the cat and decided to take a nap. All destructive tendencies can be erased by a nap. :) So I no longer have the impulsive need. But I am still very sad.
I was thinking (sense a trend?) yesterday about my interest in S & M relationships. I don’t cut anymore but I am interested in a S & M relationship. I guess I like pain… it shocks me out of my body… I don’t feel like I live here a lot of times. I’m just that way.
Ok well ‘Thank You’ is on and I must shrivel into dust.
‘can’t hold on, i’ll give you my arm….’
-k
‘i’m afraid that when we meet i’ll want to touch you’
blah blah blah
I’m still thinking about him. I talked to “Tensticks” about it again and he said the same things. He’s pushing for empathy towards “L” and he’s right. I am really angry at him and I’m making it a huger and huger thing in my head. I’m letting my inability to understand cloud my judgment. It’s all true… I never said I was a saint. It’s too bad there are people who think I am one. I’m not.
In other news.. he’s almost all that is on my mind… that and re-doing sinisterbeauty.com and for my poetry. I don’t know. I’m a dork. I’m listening to Catherine Wheel. I love Rob. He’s so damn hot.
I don’t know what I want. I know I wanted to say more but I don’t know.
‘you with the same old line of bullshit… you’ve been in business way too long..’
-k
Posted in "Tensticks", dating, depressed, Domain(s), lonliness, relationships, tucson | Tags: "Lord of Hell", depressed, friends, life, love, tucson | Comments Closed
‘far as i can tell… i’ve been gone for miles now…’
blah blah blah
Here, read this:
‘as for “L”….i think time, motion and distance are what are
needed….someday you will look back and remember how great it was to have
“L” as a friend….and while nothing will ever be like it was….i think
things will be okay. in a very different way it’s like what happened with
“N” (who is now designing our artwork!)’
I love this man and I don’t want to loose him. I don’t want to look back and think “how wonderful it was to be friends with him…”. No I never want to loose him. I’m incredibly angry that things are going this direction. I love him and I don’t want him to have to disappear from my life because of his refusal to talk things out.
And I didn’t do anything terrible… I only developed feelings for him. I guess that’s a crime these days. So I’ll just crumble. One more thing… it is always one more thing. And I am irreparably angry and hurt.
-k
Posted in depressed, lonliness, relationships, tucson | Tags: "Lord of Hell", depressed, friends, life, love, tucson | Comments Closed
‘i wanna spit in the faces but i’m afraid of what that might bring…’
‘my heart is sick of being in chains…’
Well hallelujah and praise him. I don’t know why I say that now but it was meant with a note of sarcasm however, I DO believe in the power of prayer. I believe in God and I believe that it is a good exercise in understanding your self through prayer. But I’ll rant on this only a moment:
You see, by praying you’re practicing creative visualization in a way. You’re compiling a list of things you would like to happen and you’re thinking about them and the possible out comes. You’re visualizing the things you want in your life. And the power of the mind is great… by visualizing and thinking about what it is you want in life, you’re subconsciously putting those things in motion. You’re mind is listening to what you’re telling God and it’s finding ways to put those things in motion for you. By visualizing those things that you want, you’re helping your mind find solutions for carrying out those things.
End of Rant.
So here I am. I love and I love and my love brings on a little hate. “How could you make me feel this way… oh wait you can’t… I am the master of my own destiny… damn you for reminding me!”.
‘when ever i’m alone with you… you make me feel like i’m whole again…’
I’m stressed and I’m angry. I adore this man who is not willing to talk to me and salvage whatever might be left of our friendship. I wish I could tell him “look this is ending here.. .I love you and I find that you are not willing to listen to me tell you these things so I’m not going to subject myself to this any more. The buck stops here… if you’re not willing to listen and discuss things with me… we can not be friends.” But I know that would hurt him and only help to re-enforce his lack of faith in women. But you know… we create our own problems. The problems aren’t in our lives because of sheer magic and ill fortune. No we live our lives and create our own situations. Problems exist for us because we had to make a choice that eventually brought us to where we are.
I could tell him… and he could hurt but he got himself there but refusing to take care of the problem. And I got myself there because I allowed myself a bit of weakness but I can get myself out of this problem by realizing that I have created it and I can make it go away if I choose. And ultimately, I have to make my own choices and he must make his own. If he chooses to continue his cycle of lack of trust… than well I’m sorry but it’s not my life… it’s his.
Wow now if only he thought of it that way. If he knew he could end the cycle of mistrust and heal… if he knew how I felt then he could know that this could be easily solved by trusting me. But he chooses not to and I choose not to be dragged down so it’s simple isn’t it?
No it isn’t.
-k
Posted in depressed, lonliness, tucson | Tags: "Lord of Hell", depressed, life, tucson | 2 Comments »