Posts Tagged ‘health’
Only a Fool Thinks the Past is Dead …
Isn’t it the truth – thinking that because you’re not seeing it, you’re not hearing it, you’re not experiencing it NOW that it isn’t there any longer? Life can make you a fool.
I had thought earlier, just how did I become this Zen goddess, this Yoda like creature of calm? It’s been a journey these last several years and mostly, the last two that have yielded this new sense of “calm”.
If you’ve been following my LJ (and God knows, you probably have not) you would know that I’ve struggled the last several years (starting in around 2006) with various health issues. It started with some “female” issues and then I started to develop terrible pain and a feeling of “swelling” in my legs. I became even more fatigued than I had ever been. As time went on, I started to have odd symptoms – my limbs turning colors (red/purple/white), pain in my hands, numbness in my fingers, problems with vision, bleeding into my intestines (defecating pints of blood), thyroid problems, worsening back problems, etc.
Later, I found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus the size of a large grapefruit. But this is all old hat.
After an embolization, surgery and many, many different doctors giving many, many different theories, I went to the Mayo Clinic. They confirmed many things wrong but didn’t do any thing to help. Again, old hat.
I’ve been on pain medication now for at least two years which has helped. I’m still in a lot of pain daily but at least I’m not crawling into work and crying the first 2 hours of every day from the pain in my hands, legs and face. I’m back on seizure meds and now I’m taking an anti-depressant for my chronic pain. I really think it’s my (very cool) neurologists way of saying “I think you need this to help you emotionally”. I’m convinced I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER.
To be fair to myself, yes I am doing much better. It’s been a journey, as I said and it’s been more bearable with pain meds, my seizure meds, a lot of soul and spiritual searching, a lot of coming to terms calmly and of course, a lot of thankfulness. I’ve learned these two years that I’m strong. I’ve learned to cope in healthier ways, not the healthiest because I am kind of an emotional eater. *chuckle* But as I tell my dr, I’m celibate so at least I can have chocolate, right? She doesn’t agree.
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too neurotic to live (I’ve said this before)
I am starting to think I just need brain breaks to really feel more alive and awake in the evenings. I came home tonight and just sat in bed with Artie, dozing slightly and that seems to have helped.
Now to the meat of my motivating post … here I am, 31 and single. I know you’re sick of hearing it but HEY, I’m sick of saying it!! I’ve met 3 guys in real-life lately who seem in varying degrees to be interested in me. All three are very nice and interesting in their own very special ways.
1. Very good looking, a bit “not tall” but that’s ok. He seems interested but not overly which is a buzz kill for me. I don’t want “stalker” devotion but at least something a little more motivated, like oh, answering a text where I suggest we have dinner. I actually heard the crickets after that. *shame*
2. Not bad looking, sort of boyishly cute. He’s, again “not tall” but has beautiful eyes. He seems very interested in me and even CALLED ME. That doesn’t happen. For some reason though, I’m just not really jiving.
3. Tall! Who knew! Not really my type looks wise and he’s 6 years younger. I’m really looking for someone older, more distinguished. As much as I love video games, scifi and all things nerdy, that’s not what I want to spend 99.9% of my time talking about.
I think to myself “where is my soul mate”? Is he a twisted weirdo like I am? I hope he’s artistic. My luck though, he’s a serial killer. I’ll find out on date three when he doesn’t want to have sex, he wants to eat my liver with a nice Chianti.
You know what’s really neurotic? Talking to men online. I’ve been down that road several times and admittedly, had some fun with it. It usually ends up in promises of coming to visit AZ for one reason or another then *POOF* like a fart in a wind tunnel, they’re gone. The ones that stick around are the ones that live in the same state but want to stalk me … and probably eat my liver. We don’t want to go down THAT road.
Here I am, in pink lip gloss and a frilly top, trying not to look like a sow and thinking “there’s gotta be a better way”. I’ve tried Match.com *flips the bird* and well, that resulted in my telephone number being spewed all over the mens restroom of a dive bar and the guy telling me I drove him to drink. All because I had been having some health problems that made me not feel like spending every minute of the day together. That’s what you get for “taking a break”.
It’s sad to say that, yes, I am bitter. I was with someone for almost 9 years and it only resulted in more hurt than I can describe. No kids either. Now, I’m staring down never having children at all due to my always iffy reproductive organs.
I spent another many years with someone who couldn’t be bothered to ever visit me even though he could clearly come home a few times a year to see his family who LIVES IN THE SAME STATE AS ME! WTF? Really? You’re going to be 45 minutes away and you can’t say “I’m going to see my *girlfriend* for a few hours”?! Years of this, years and I stuck by him and was celibate, waiting for him. The thanks I get, not bothering to call or even ask me why I’m distant. I guess it’s easier to just assume it’s done and not stir the pot by asking me how I feel or acknowledging any thing.
So, wanna date me?
Yeah, my dating karma is in the shitter. I should be positive but feeling like I’m 70 years old every day makes it hard to feel positive about meeting Mr. Right. I’m often too tired to date a guy locally and at times secretly just hope for someone to listen to me and maybe see every few months for a while until a reasonable bond of trust has been built. I need that buffer to trust again.
Wow if I had balls, I would kick myself in them.
- k
“How, In All Honesty …”
I’ve been kicking around writing an entry for a few days now (and had started on quite a good one when my lap top decided deleting the text would be a HOOT) but haven’t had quite the energy required to do so. But it’s an overcast Saturday, the tunes are blaring via my pink Hello Kitty earbuds and I’m well rested.
So, what’s been on this mind these past weeks? Mostly bodily discomfort. This discomfort, woe discomfort, has robbed me of rest and energy, rendering my mind nearly incapable of rational neigh intelligible thought or statement. But here I am, finally some what rested, a bit weary in heart and having made an appointment with my doctor. God, there’s no disappointment like the disappointment a doctor can deliver when you’re feeling like the gum under King Kong’s shoe. Wait, or is that a crushed islander?
*does brief samba*
Here I am, a woman with the body of an elderly sex-pot (hey my rack still looks great!) and with a bit less of the sex life. I kick around my thoughts of health vs success vs loneliness vs the rest of my life. You may ask yourself, what have these things in common ma lady? I’ll tell ya …
My health, well as we know from the last several years has been here, there and every like a Dr. Seuss character. First “female” issues, then thyroid, then pain/swelling/bleeding etc from various areas and a huge sense of fogginess and fatigue. Great, what an exciting date I sound like?! Would you like to hear about my sciatica too?
Then, there’s success … oh success or lack thereof. So here I am, young and robbed of my energy and vitality. I’m struggling just to make it to work every day then BAM as hard as I worked, I get laid off the one job I was starting to maybe find a measure of success at. I have to start over and find that again, I’m barely able to stay conscious let alone have the energy to write after work or put any time into the many creative ideas I have … before I loose consciousness. Here I am, young, tired and barely able to make it through a work day. Want to hear about my debts too?
Then there’s LONELINESS. Oh the great bane of the single persons existence at some point. Here’s the quandary, I would rather … RATHER be lonely than unhappy. Yes, I’m some times unhappy being alone, that’s a given I guess if you have a heart … that actually beats. The thing is, I have been in the long term relationship that didn’t quite work out and I wasn’t happy just “being” with someone. I can never again justify spending any time at all with someone just to BE with someone. I’d rather just be celibate and lonely than disappointed.
Yes, I know there are “millions of fish in the sea” but I only want one. The Right One.
Here I am then with all these things on my little, tiny, undereducated mind. Really, I’d love my favorite Welsh pop star to fall out of the sky and sweep me off my feet but you know, the fantasy is almost always better than reality. It bears to consider that I may never be happy. I don’t feel bad that it is some times one’s lot in life to not have every thing they want. I’m ok with that. I know a lot of people are bitter about things like that but I’m not. It just bugs me now and then but I remember that for me, in my mind and with my feelings about life, this is just another jog around the track and what does it really mean in the terms of eternity?
Not. Much.
You ruin me, heart of mine. But I love ya. *hugs self*
I like me, why should I lie? Yes, I’m highly delusional between self-deprecation and self-aggrandizing behavior … I’m lucky I have any sense of self! At least I’m charming (aggrandizing).
“you bring me stormy seas with your deceit”
- k
been thinkin’ and I haven’t been drink’in … nearly enough to say I love you.
Why don’t I just write country songs? That can’t be too hard, right? *ha*
Enough of that silliness, in honesty I have been thinking about resuming my blogging because it used to go so far in keeping me sane. Now, I could use something to keep me awake. The fatigue I feel sucks much of the life out of me and shuts me off from doing the things I love, writing, karaoke, going to concerts, dancing, dating.
Oh yes, dating … I actually hate it but dammit a girl gets lonely now and then. “R” and I still talk daily or mostly daily but the conversation level has gone way down and in fact has become quite predictable and boring, like many relationships past their expiry date. I haven’t seen him in a year come Valentine’s Day, nor have I “gotten any” since that time. What’s with that?
Love, that’s what.
But love, this elusive and cruel thing, can only take you so far before you realize that it’s mythical. What’s more realistic but almost as hard to find is a true sense of intimacy with someone. Once you get past all the hurdles and climb all the ladders you have to with someone while dating to get to intimacy, then you have to wonder if it’s going to be worth it. Will they treat you with respect? Will they take the time to care for you, please you (and not just expect you to please them)? Will they wait if you need to wait and hold you when you just need a good snuggle? Or will they just expect their 3 pumps before they roll over and start thinking about work tomorrow?
*sigh*
So I’m single, not dating, not getting any and I’m constantly fatigued. I don’t have the energy for this dating jibba jabba nor do I even have much energy for any thing but work and some days, including work. When does my fairy Godmother bonk me over the head with fairy dust and a wand in order to cure my aching bones ‘n joints and cause Prince Charming-Enough to charge up in his Mustang to the land of Intimacy?
I’m diluded, clearly. And perhaps, I should be drinking. But baby “I love you”. *sigh*
- k