Posts Tagged ‘depressed’
“Last night I dreamt ….”
I’ll save the preface for after the dream typing. That’s wrong but right now, I don’t care. I dozed a bit ago and had a lot of subconscious activity in just the two hours or so I slept. Here’s the best I can make out of it.
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Protected: No More Crying.
Posted in "r", @kentague, dating, Ex-Boyfriends, lonliness, love, relationships, romantic adversaries | 
Tags: "r", character, dating, depressed, life, love, Twitter | 
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I’m at my wits end …
I received a text from “R” this morning, a simple hello and what he did last night. I felt filled with jealousy for the people in his new life in CA, that I’m not part of that life. I then felt teary and felt angry, that he’s never once come to see me since he left in 2006. I’ve asked him MORE times than I can count over years to let me go and stop speaking to me if he doesn’t want me or love me. But he never does it, he can’t pull the trigger. He always says that he does want me, he does love me. But yet he’s not said in months or ever (without me saying it first) that he misses me or loves me. He hasn’t made one attempt to see me.
It’s been over for me for a long time, at least since before I moved out of the house on Palm Lane. He knew then how angry and resentful I was getting, how it was effecting my feelings toward the future significantly. Yet he still didn’t agree that we should stop speaking.
I want to move on, I want to meet someone else and be happy. I want to not feel guilt for speaking with someone else or having an attraction to someone else. I shouldn’t feel guilty, there wasn’t much relationship to speak of and yet I do feel as if I owe him … something. What else could I give? I’ve given money, I’ve given my love and most importantly, years of my TIME. Time I could have met someone else. Time I could’ve maybe been married in or had a child, maybe could have found love. But I hung on, being a silly believer in true love overcoming.
True love just hurts, it doesn’t overcome a damned thing.
How do I say “well for me it’s been over but now I can’t even speak to you because when I do, I burst into tears of anger, jealously, hurt, resentment …”. I haven’t a clue how to say “good-bye” to someone I’ve loved so MUCH, so G*damned much.
Time to eat my lunch, contemplate my options. Feel sad and broken inside. Feeling a lot of conflicting emotions but I know what is healthiest for me, to move on for real. To really say I’m seeing other people, I’m moving on with my life, I’m not being strung along a moment longer. *sob* I don’t know how to do that. Theory, fine but practice, not so much.
love – k
PS. For background, go to “Not a Love Story” and start at the beginning.
Very Out of Sorts …
Something’s wrong with me, lately I have not felt myself. I just burst into tears over something so silly it’s embarassing. I can’t recall the last time I sat for 15 minutes and cried at my desk. Thank God my back is turned to everyone and no one cares I have a box of Kleanex on my desk.
Is it the loneliness? Is it … wait no, it is the lonelieness. And probably hormones. A powerful and painful combination for a woman in her 30s. If I smell something that even suggestions rejection, I feel like a failure. Yes, #FAIL kids … that’s mean, the girl who has nothing in her life. No significant other, no kids, just a job. *sobs*
Today feels like a good day to crawl into bed and cry but I have to go to the store. *sigh*
F*CK you Prince and your damned “purple rain”! Jam those silly fluffly collars up your ass!
*grumble* – k