Posts Tagged ‘character’
Protected: No More Crying.
Posted in "r", @kentague, dating, Ex-Boyfriends, lonliness, love, relationships, romantic adversaries | 
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I’m at my wits end …
I received a text from “R” this morning, a simple hello and what he did last night. I felt filled with jealousy for the people in his new life in CA, that I’m not part of that life. I then felt teary and felt angry, that he’s never once come to see me since he left in 2006. I’ve asked him MORE times than I can count over years to let me go and stop speaking to me if he doesn’t want me or love me. But he never does it, he can’t pull the trigger. He always says that he does want me, he does love me. But yet he’s not said in months or ever (without me saying it first) that he misses me or loves me. He hasn’t made one attempt to see me.
It’s been over for me for a long time, at least since before I moved out of the house on Palm Lane. He knew then how angry and resentful I was getting, how it was effecting my feelings toward the future significantly. Yet he still didn’t agree that we should stop speaking.
I want to move on, I want to meet someone else and be happy. I want to not feel guilt for speaking with someone else or having an attraction to someone else. I shouldn’t feel guilty, there wasn’t much relationship to speak of and yet I do feel as if I owe him … something. What else could I give? I’ve given money, I’ve given my love and most importantly, years of my TIME. Time I could have met someone else. Time I could’ve maybe been married in or had a child, maybe could have found love. But I hung on, being a silly believer in true love overcoming.
True love just hurts, it doesn’t overcome a damned thing.
How do I say “well for me it’s been over but now I can’t even speak to you because when I do, I burst into tears of anger, jealously, hurt, resentment …”. I haven’t a clue how to say “good-bye” to someone I’ve loved so MUCH, so G*damned much.
Time to eat my lunch, contemplate my options. Feel sad and broken inside. Feeling a lot of conflicting emotions but I know what is healthiest for me, to move on for real. To really say I’m seeing other people, I’m moving on with my life, I’m not being strung along a moment longer. *sob* I don’t know how to do that. Theory, fine but practice, not so much.
love – k
PS. For background, go to “Not a Love Story” and start at the beginning.
‘i still can’t believe SpeedRacer is dead’
‘i have been driven like the snow but this is cooling … faster than i can’
Training days seem to stretch on. Today was odd but not so bad … it’s just been a weird part of a weird week for me. I’m still not angry. Why am I not angry?
I came to work … no note from you-know-who (or do you?) … and things were going w/o incident. Then I came back from something … a break maybe and “he” was there talking w/ his ex … the mother of his child. So I walk past them … in my team’s area for some weird reason … and there is a Lords of Acid sticker sitting on my desk. Of course it was from him … man w/ LofA stickers on his car … who knows I kind of like the Lords. So I was like “mmmmm ok cool I guess” and I felt all weird. I don’t know what to do. I want to be angry … pissed … I want to not try to justify things to myself. But then I get the gut urge to go and chat w/ him … be friendly like it never happened. Maybe it just happened in my head. But I know … I know it didn’t just happen in my head. I don’t know.
So I looked at the sticker a few hours later and realized it was rather sexual. And he had a heap of them … I talked to him for a few minutes (against my best judgement but it was hard not to) and he told me he got them from the mailing list. For a few minutes it felt like nothing had ever happened and I could see that glimmer in his eyes … like I was warming up and it was really ok. Then I made reference to it not really being appropriate … some thing sexual we happened on. And I left. Went cold and walked away. And he seemed disappointed.
I got an email from some one on LJ this morning … it touched me. I printed and took it w/ me to work today. I know it sounds silly … printing an email from some random person but I appreciate randomailia. I looked at it when I got the urge to pretend it was all good … when I felt like chatting up you-know-who. It worked pretty well in fact. Made me think “this is not healthy … why are you doing this to yourself?”. But I have some ideas.
I think it’s like the song “Leather” by Tori Amos when she says “I could just pretend that you love me … the night would loose all sense of fear/but why do I need you to love me … when you can’t hold what I hold dear“. See where I’m going w/ this? If not … maybe I’m tempted to pretend it didn’t happen, that I am really interested in him romantically and so on because in my mind … I just want to make it ok … take the blame … act like it was in my head … so that I don’t feel guilty and so that it’s not awkward. My first instinct is to pretend and make it all better so I don’t have to deal with the discomfort and fear. I can’t deal w/ conflict well.
So there …. there you have it. I’m dumb and this is shitty and I’m on crack. I know. God I need a cigarette … no make that a bottle of vodka and a clove. *sigh*
‘i’m tangled up … i’ve got a kitten kitten kitten in my hair’
My hands are all sticky now .. eating pie and cake for dinner again. I had the last small piece of pizza for dinner and now I’m scarfing cake and pie like it’s going out of style. Milk and pie … damn good. Fuck it though … I live alone and it’s my body. If I want to put on five lbs tonight … fuck it … I will. It’s my goddamned life! I wish I felt more in control of it … or maybe just more in control. I’m not sure which.
-k
‘here comes your man …’
Your type is the Artiste
Creative. Sensitive. A bit offbeat. Your type is the Artiste, a unique guy who knows how to express himself in many ways, whether it’s through words, music, or attire. You’re attracted to his unconventional ways and his remarkable talents. He doesn’t feel compelled to abide by society’s norms. He believes that individuality is the key to happiness, and everything he does is a reflection of his “inner self.” You fall head-over-heels for such confidence and style. Whether he’s playing a song he wrote for just you or writing you a love letter, this guy knows how to make you feel special. He’s in touch with his feminine side and doesn’t need to assert his masculinity to feel manly. If we were to paint a picture of your future, the Artiste would definitely be part of it!
…. Hmmm sounds about right. So why do I never hook up w/ this boy? I fall for him … that’s for sure … but do I hook up w/ him mmm NOPE. :( Why can’t I date a guy that can read AND write? Some one intelligent and emotional … caring that is willing to show me I mean some thing …. oh and the big plus … a boy that won’t run and hide. But I seem to only be really interested in boys that are either abusive or that will run for the hills when I start to show interest. I guess I remind the “Artiste” of some ex gf or some previous pain that’s too much to bear again. Sucks to be me. :(
No “MP” dreams last night … that I can remember. But I DID awaken to the sound of crashing and my gut instinct made me think some one was in my home … and my heart pounded … I thought I was going to DIE! Happened twice and I had a bitch of a time sleeping. Oh God!
Ok bye!
You are a Guy’s Girl
Turn on the game and pop the top off a cold one! You’re a true Guy’s Girl — the easy-going, baseball-cap-wearing, jeans-and-flannel-shirt type. Hot dogs and chips are an essential part of your diet, and tossing a ball around is second nature. Definitely low-maintenance and very natural, there’s still plenty of femininity under your tomboy exterior. Breaking out the little black dress and heels every once in a while knocks your guy’s socks off. Besides knowing the latest sports scores and stats by heart, you actually enjoy hanging out with “the guys.” In a romance, you’re your man’s pal as much as his squeeze, and he never has to worry about playing head games with you. The perfect mix of the girl next door and the sporty chick, you’re spontaneous, fun, and all-American.
… All of this is true … frighteningly so except for the sport refeferences and the references to eating meat. Ok so this makes me sound like a female frat boy but really … it’s more like “Roco” explained it … I’m a guy w/ tits and NOT in a bad way. I just get along w/ boys so much better and have more incommon w/ guys. I’m just a down to earth … natural kind of girl. And stuff. So it’s true … but I’m more like the kind of girl that would get along w/ gay guys … art boys … musical types … and so on. Hey … what can I say … I read!?!
‘nothing i do is good enough for you … i crucify myself everyday … my heart is sick of being in chains’
-k
‘oh so many ways for me to show you how your saviour has abandoned you … FUCK YOUR GOD’
I’m not BITTER …. NOT FUCKING BITTER. But really … I’m not. I’m just confused. I admit this …
‘broken down and paralyzed … he did it all for you’
Men have fucked up mentalities … so do women. Case scenario:
Man thinks it’s ok to stick his penis in a woman who has said repeatedly she doesn’t want it … he gives it to her any way … she in turn tells him to stop and he finally does. This is wrong.
Woman has always been in abusive situations … finds herself attracted to men that are either emotionally devoid or who exhibit abusive and/or manipulative personality traits. She feels powerless all of a sudden … knowing this is a pattern. She finds herself oddly attracted to a man that has violated her … taken some thing from her … used her. She finds herself wanting to talk to him … be around him … make herself believe she has feelings for him … to make it all right and make the guilt go away.
Fucked up .. the mentalities we both have … men and women. We’re fucked up.
I see it coming … I see what has happened in my life. I realize my pattern of being w/ abusive and/or cold men. I see things … I find it fearful to trust now. Where do I go now?
‘uh fuck yourself … you piece of shit … go kill yourself instead …’
-k