Isn’t it the truth – thinking that because you’re not seeing it, you’re not hearing it, you’re not experiencing it NOW that it isn’t there any longer? Life can make you a fool.
I had thought earlier, just how did I become this Zen goddess, this Yoda like creature of calm? It’s been a journey these last several years and mostly, the last two that have yielded this new sense of “calm”.
If you’ve been following my LJ (and God knows, you probably have not) you would know that I’ve struggled the last several years (starting in around 2006) with various health issues. It started with some “female” issues and then I started to develop terrible pain and a feeling of “swelling” in my legs. I became even more fatigued than I had ever been. As time went on, I started to have odd symptoms – my limbs turning colors (red/purple/white), pain in my hands, numbness in my fingers, problems with vision, bleeding into my intestines (defecating pints of blood), thyroid problems, worsening back problems, etc.
Later, I found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus the size of a large grapefruit. But this is all old hat.
After an embolization, surgery and many, many different doctors giving many, many different theories, I went to the Mayo Clinic. They confirmed many things wrong but didn’t do any thing to help. Again, old hat.
I’ve been on pain medication now for at least two years which has helped. I’m still in a lot of pain daily but at least I’m not crawling into work and crying the first 2 hours of every day from the pain in my hands, legs and face. I’m back on seizure meds and now I’m taking an anti-depressant for my chronic pain. I really think it’s my (very cool) neurologists way of saying “I think you need this to help you emotionally”. I’m convinced I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER.
To be fair to myself, yes I am doing much better. It’s been a journey, as I said and it’s been more bearable with pain meds, my seizure meds, a lot of soul and spiritual searching, a lot of coming to terms calmly and of course, a lot of thankfulness. I’ve learned these two years that I’m strong. I’ve learned to cope in healthier ways, not the healthiest because I am kind of an emotional eater. *chuckle* But as I tell my dr, I’m celibate so at least I can have chocolate, right? She doesn’t agree.
‘i’ll be your whatever you want….’
Well damn I re-did my journal layout but I like it. Nice and white and upbeat looking. I’m proud. I think I’m going to give up on having a real web page for a while and concentrate on obsessing over my journal. I love my journal. It’s so pretty now! What else should I do to it?
‘i’m just looking… for a way around…you’re the rod…i’m water’ :)
I’m in a good mood tonight. I found a DAMN cute picture of Andy. I would post it but I’m afraid he might have to kill me. He’s nude except for a white feather boa! *giggling* My God it is the cutest thing around. So’s he. He’s so cute it’s well… scary. You’d have to meet the guy. He’s really sweet and lovable. But I don’ t know… I’ll shut up now.
And YES I still want “L”. But I’m feeling a little better about it all. I think I’m having some weird ass bi-polar episode because really, it’s not very normal for a girl to be euphoric for weeks and then take a REALLY sharp turn and be totally depressed and at times think… Continue reading