On May 24th, 2011, I posted a letter I had written to my then “boyfriend” or whatever you want to call “r”. Whilst glancing over the posts and categories on my blog here, I came across that post and letter. Here are my reflections now over a year later, in January of 2013.
When I look at the time stamp of that post, I realize that even though I didn’t know it then, I was already in love with (my now husband) Ken. I had “met” him on Twitter in 2009 through Christine Fischer and sent him the occasional message but really didn’t get to “know” him until around his birthday in May of 2011. I recall wanting to call him for his birthday and being so hurt when he told me not to because I thought he didn’t “like” me. It’s silly now but I’m glad he let me call him and that some deeper intelligence told me it was finally time to cut ties with “r”.
Here I am now, it’s January of 2013 and I’ve been married to Ken since November 3rd, 2012. I had no idea consciously that I would be here today, married to a wonderful, loving, intelligent, fun and affectionate man. All I “knew” then was there was something about him and that I wanted to move on with my life because I wanted to get married and have a family. I had no idea conscious idea then it would be with Ken. I think when I look back at the timing, the way we were so attracted to one another (not just sexually but on all levels), I see now that it was “cosmic”. It really was “meant to be” if anything can be.
I’m so tremendously lucky. I say it all the time but really, I cannot ever fully share with you the extent to which I feel loved, cherished, listened to, desired, understood and cared for on all levels. My husband truly loves me more than anyone ever has and truly cares for me in every way. And I love him more than I thought was possible or more than I have ever experienced before in my life. It’s a deeper, more comprehensive love that transcends our distance or ages. When we are together, it just feels like the most right way of being as if we were always together and it’s natural.
I wish sometimes I could go back in time and lessen the pain of a younger version of me. I spent a lot of time really truly unhappy and alone. I’m lucky to have started this journey of discovery with someone who loves me as much as I love them and I wish I could share this with everyone and especially my younger self. There is nothing more painful and hollow than feeling alone, unloved, misunderstood, undervalued and even disregarded. I know that feeling really well or at least I did. Now it’s hard to imagine what my emotional life was like before my husband. Now I’m just happy. Even when I’m sad, I’m really 100x happier than I ever was before. Even when I’m missing him in the middle of the night or crying when he leaves the airport for England, I feel like I’m luckier and happier than most people I’ve ever known. I feel more “complete” if that makes any sense.
So it’s been a good time of reflection. I don’t feel that bitterness or loneliness any longer. A chapter has closed and a new one is beginning to flourish in it’s maiden paragraphs. I am filled with excitement for all the possibilities (which I hope never wanes) and look forward to having everything I wanted … a wonderful husband and a family to love and care for. I think now that I’d make a wonderful mother, despite my difficult upbringing (there’s posts about that I’m sure …). None of the things anyone did to hurt me in the years past matter any more.
THAT feels good to say.
Love – k