It’s 10:04 pm and I should be asleep. I took some sleeping pills an hour and a half ago to help me to get to sleep. Wouldn’t you know, I’m wide awake and “thinking”. I had set out to put some tunes on to relax me but after listening a little deeply to the lyrics, I started to cry. I realized I really let my relationship with “R” do a number on me emotionally.
No matter WHAT I say, I do think highly of “R” and I care very, very, very much for him. He’s a good person. In all fairness though, he is not capable of an adult, mature, communication oriented relationship with anyone. He knows this, he’s probably known this for the entire time. What makes me die inside, just wrenches my heart from my chest is that he didn’t have the guts at any time to cut me loose. That’s the great tragedy of the relationship. I waited around 7 years and in the end, it destroyed even the friendship we had. I just can’t speak to him and I have not. I will not.
I’ve been a fool, that’s no surprise. The greatest lesson I learned though is what I want and expect from the next man in my life. If a man wants me, the real deep essence of ME he will have to accept that communication whether he lives next door or 10,000 miles away is necessary. I don’t need to talk to a man every day (but if he’s a million miles away, it helps) but geez, a phone call more than once in 4 years would really go a long way. The negative I got out of things with “R” is that subconsciously I must not have been any where near good enough, just like with Mike.
That’s no longer ever going to be the case. I know what I won’t deal with and what strength I do have. I’m not sour about long distance relationships. I’m not sour about men (at the moment), I’m just sour about any one who treats someone they supposedly love (with tears in their eyes) with no more respect than a bothersome neighbor asking to borrow the lawnmower again.
I found a little saying that I think it sums it up. Sure, I want physical companionship but regardless of meeting some one here or any where else in the world, I must be treated with decency and respect, care and compassion. I think he lacked the courage to pursue love and I think that’s a very sad state to be in. I’m fearless, I’ve had my heart broken but the world is a big place. I’m unafraid of anything that comes my way.