I suppose listening to “My Ex-Lover’s Lovers” has an effect on the title of this entry but it’s a bit appropos given some feelings, long a part of me are in the throws of death. I find the tears less painful than in the past and flowing less long the last few days. It is like something nearing it’s end, twisting up and shriveling inside like decaying skin at the edges of a healing wound. #DarkPoetry *wink*
I received a text from “R” this morning, a simple hello and what he did last night. I felt filled with jealousy for the people in his new life in CA, that I’m not part of that life. I then felt teary and felt angry, that he’s never once come to see me since he left in 2006. I’ve asked him MORE times than I can count over years to let me go and stop speaking to me if he doesn’t want me or love me. But he never does it, he can’t pull the trigger. He always says that he does want me, he does love me. But yet he’s not said in months or ever (without me saying it first) that he misses me or loves me. He hasn’t made one attempt to see me.
It’s been over for me for a long time, at least since before I moved out of the house on Palm Lane. He knew then how angry and resentful I was getting, how it was effecting my feelings toward the future significantly. Yet he still didn’t agree that we should stop speaking.
I want to move on, I want to meet someone else… Continue reading
Something’s wrong with me, lately I have not felt myself. I just burst into tears over something so silly it’s embarassing. I can’t recall the last time I sat for 15 minutes and cried at my desk. Thank God my back is turned to everyone and no one cares I have a box of Kleanex on my desk.
Is it the loneliness? Is it … wait no, it is the lonelieness. And probably hormones. A powerful and painful combination for a woman in her 30s. If I smell something that even suggestions rejection, I feel like a failure. Yes, #FAIL kids … that’s mean, the girl who has nothing in her life. No significant other, no kids, just a job. *sobs*
Today feels like a good day to crawl into bed and cry but I have to go to the store. *sigh*
F*CK you Prince and your damned “purple rain”! Jam those silly fluffly collars up your ass!
*grumble* – k