I started a post last night to address something that’s been bothering me but I kept back tracking, considering if it would be taken with a level of distaste not meant. I scrapped it for now.
I’m lazing about after a fairly disappointing weekend. No “TD”. No “clubbing” (if you can call the 3 times in months I have even left the house other than for work and groceries … oh fuggit …). Nothing. I just watched some television (not a frequent indulgence) and then spent far too long on Twitter flirting with my #TweepOrgy crushes.
The real reason for blogging this evening (so late in fact for me) is the feelings I’ve experienced this week. Feelings of desire, great compassion, curiosity, empathy, need, loneliness. I’ve met several people on Twitter, all of varying personalities, occupations, proclivities and so on. I’m intrigued by little things about each person, their experiences, their compassion, their openness … and I’ve been drawn to these things. Maybe out of my own place of insecurity in my relationships right now, out of loneliness and out of questioning where I am going in my own life.
Amongst this, as I said, desire has built up. I chalk it up to being lonely, wanting someone not only to connect to emotionally but with physically. Because I see the physical as a “no go” and something I’m trying to keep out of my life to some extent, I’m glad to connect emotionally if I can and even a bit sexually. Hey, flirting never hurt … well, maybe it has.
I’m not making sense, partially because while I know my blog over the years has had inconsistent and small readership, I know that there could be a time when someone will read it and wonder. I’m not ready to put all my cards on the table at this point, to admit to things taboo or to admit to desires that will go unfulfilled. After all, haven’t I done that enough with “R”? With “TM2″ and with “Ivo”? I’m really tiring of these more intellectual crushes that lead me to feeling inadequate as a person and as a potential mate. I don’t want more of that in my life.
I’m not making sense. I accept this. I am not focusing well still. I feel awfully sick today (“nacho hangover”?). I always have an excuss for not being able to focus. Is it the Fibro? Is it that I’m damaged? Is it that I’m just not very bright? My ADHD? I know I’m better than these things but I’ll be damned if I can prove it.
I’m going to lie down and think for a bit. That’s my bane, the thinking. Always with the thinking and the “hey, stop that thinking!”
love – k