Monthly Archives: April 2011

Hopefully a short post on this Easter Eve. This post is meant to be without regard to the reader’s or authors personal religious affiliation but to call to each person’s experience.

Recently, things have unfolded stealthily in my life which have lead to an ephiphany or two about myself. Most notably coming across things which five years ago may have been “triggering” for me. These things would have caused me to relapse into depression but today, they challenge me.

Without delving into my own significant back story, which I doubt I will ever do, I will say there were tough times. “Come on, haven’t we all been there” you might ask? Well of course but each of us has our “cross to bear”. I use this phrase a lot (not just on Easter, mind you) because it is a universally true metaphor. Whether you are Christian or not, an Atheist or a Believer, we have all born a heavy burden.

To bring these concepts together, my “cross” was probably a mixture of quirkiness, a learning disability never recognised while I was a kid which led to torment of all kind by kids and adults alike and a very rocky upbringing.… Continue reading

I guess in relationships, you come to realizations about whether or not the relationship will survive a certain trial. Or you come to the realization that if you love someone, you’ll set them free … when they don’t have the will or knowledge to leave on their own.

That’s where I am. I love “R’ with all my heart and I have now for many years. I’ve realized over the last year since starting my new job that we were growing slowly apart. It hurt for a long while that he had not come to see me, not even one time since he moved in 2006. I’ve gone there to see him but only when he can work me into his schedule. This may sound really awful to read, as if it’s an overtly cruel way to treat me. It isn’t, not to say it doesn’t feel cruel to me but I know it’s not intentionally malicious. Some times, we focus on things in our lives and areas like love get pushed aside while we’re accomplishing other goals. I do believe that’s what has happened.

Over the last few weeks, even months maybe, we’ve talked a lot less. My responses are almost always “that’s good” and I know that seems like a cop-out. But it’s all I can come up with to say to the mundane things we discuss. I realize each day that he’s very focused on his job, it’s taking up 100% of his energy and there is, and has not been, any left for me for a long time. To love someone so deeply, well it hurts to think about all of this.
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Thank you, “Frank” for playing this word game with me. *wink*

10:20 PM 4/12/2011

kneeling before this altar of flesh – dressed in the finery of fingers
draped over each section of silken, luxurious skin
my breathing in slow motion – inhaling velvety hairs
a mouth opens to confess – lips dripping communion wine
bitter blood – tainted with sin & seduction
into each soft fold – cascading over the roundness of a breast
the hollow of a navel

this bodily temple of desire
I will not renounce the religion of your body
your soft golden gaze
enchanted by the rhythmic thrumming of your tiny moans
escaping as prayers from the lips of the damned
into the air, small souls rising to Heaven
turned away like ash falling to the Earth
surrendering to the damnation of my lust

10:32 PM 4/12/2011

I started a post last night to address something that’s been bothering me but I kept back tracking, considering if it would be taken with a level of distaste not meant. I scrapped it for now.

I’m lazing about after a fairly disappointing weekend. No “TD”. No “clubbing” (if you can call the 3 times in months I have even left the house other than for work and groceries … oh fuggit …). Nothing. I just watched some television (not a frequent indulgence) and then spent far too long on Twitter flirting with my #TweepOrgy crushes.

The real reason for blogging this evening (so late in fact for me) is the feelings I’ve experienced this week. Feelings of desire, great compassion, curiosity, empathy, need, loneliness. I’ve met several people on Twitter, all of varying personalities, occupations, proclivities and so on. I’m intrigued by little things about each person, their experiences, their compassion, their openness … and I’ve been drawn to these things. Maybe out of my own place of insecurity in my relationships right now, out of loneliness and out of questioning where I am going in my own life.

Amongst this, as I said, desire has built up. I… Continue reading

Isn’t it the truth – thinking that because you’re not seeing it, you’re not hearing it, you’re not experiencing it NOW that it isn’t there any longer? Life can make you a fool.

I had thought earlier, just how did I become this Zen goddess, this Yoda like creature of calm? It’s been a journey these last several years and mostly, the last two that have yielded this new sense of “calm”.

If you’ve been following my LJ (and God knows, you probably have not) you would know that I’ve struggled the last several years (starting in around 2006) with various health issues. It started with some “female” issues and then I started to develop terrible pain and a feeling of “swelling” in my legs. I became even more fatigued than I had ever been. As time went on, I started to have odd symptoms – my limbs turning colors (red/purple/white), pain in my hands, numbness in my fingers, problems with vision, bleeding into my intestines (defecating pints of blood), thyroid problems, worsening back problems, etc.

Later, I found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus the size of a large grapefruit. But this is all old hat.

After an embolization, surgery and many, many different doctors giving many, many different theories, I went to the Mayo Clinic. They confirmed many things wrong but didn’t do any thing to help. Again, old hat.

I’ve been on pain medication now for at least two years which has helped. I’m still in a lot of pain daily but at least I’m not crawling into work and crying the first 2 hours of every day from the pain in my hands, legs and face. I’m back on seizure meds and now I’m taking an anti-depressant for my chronic pain. I really think it’s my (very cool) neurologists way of saying “I think you need this to help you emotionally”. I’m convinced I’m doing SO MUCH BETTER.

To be fair to myself, yes I am doing much better. It’s been a journey, as I said and it’s been more bearable with pain meds, my seizure meds, a lot of soul and spiritual searching, a lot of coming to terms calmly and of course, a lot of thankfulness. I’ve learned these two years that I’m strong. I’ve learned to cope in healthier ways, not the healthiest because I am kind of an emotional eater. *chuckle* But as I tell my dr, I’m celibate so at least I can have chocolate, right? She doesn’t agree.

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