Yearly Archives: 2003

Ah another New Year spent “alone”. Just reliving past events that, no matter how many hurt feelings I harbor, will never be changed. And I got all dressed up … so pretty only to have to pay for dinner and tell him that I remember how I spent last New Years. How I remember being unable to sleep and so angry and hurt … just erupting w/ anger and how he left me dangling. I reminded him about the moving out thing.

So I just uncorked my first champagne bottle. And now I’m drinking my first champagne bottle. Reliving past events that I can not change. Half dressed up and half dressed down. And doing what I did New Years three years ago, pining over some one who feels nothing for me and drinking alone. Bleh!

I did talk to “MC” for a few hours on the phone while sitting on Mike’s car in the cold. We had pleasant conversation. We didn’t say anything but it was pretty much the unspoken truth that we wouldn’t hang out … it’s too late. I hope I made his New Years a little better though. It’s probably his first one sober in a… Continue reading

So many things to do right now. I could look at porn and masturbate. I could …. write some poetry or maybe a short story. Take a hot bath. Listen to my new Lexx cd. Do anything but pine.

I can’t seem to stop pining.

– k

Did I mention I’m not pining for anyone in particular? I have about three or four people in mind. I’m sure they’d feel so special if they knew but then if they DID know they wouldn’t care. So it doesn’t matter.

I hate feeling like I’m on the cusp … like I’m coming down w/ the emotional flu and for some reason it could feel magnificent. *sigh*

I decided to flip through my ‘edit friends’ thingy in the LJ client. I do this every few months or when some one really new comments to my journal. Usually there is one person and they are usually about 15 and under w/ no journal content. I don’t understand why they select me to add … common interests maybe. But today when I looked, there were SEVERAL new people who had added me first. I always look at journals before blindly adding and I was impressed their content and their interests. So all were added. I feel kind sexy now … not sure why. I guess the new crop of interesting people who have found some reason to add me … kind of turns me on or something. *hehe*

I have more to say but Mike is cleaning out some stuff so I won’t get elaborate now. But whee for sleeping late. I feel pretty decent. A bit broken still but things are better. A good night sleep always helps. Put the razor down for one night … and you may not want to hack yourself up the next. That’s my NEW philosophy.

love – k

I just woke up after 15 hours of sleep. I feel like I’ve been hit by something. I feel depressed, like the world is going to explode.

Last night, it crossed my mind to call a hundred different people and cry and ask for help but I didn’t. It was late and I think people are sick of my problems. Sick of hearing about my crap. I know that these feelings are not the end of the world. I know I can prevail. I know I can be so much more than I am. I know I’m strong. I just feel so scared. And why? I’m not even sure how … or why.

I wish I could feel differently right now.

I have no idea where Mike is. He came home early and we avoided all physical contact last night. He woke up, got dressed and I have no idea where he is. Bleh.

Ok well, got to figure myself out or what to say when he gets home. Oh, wait … I think he’s here now.

I’m feeling so much rage … fire consuming me. I feel so angry at myself for letting so many years pass me by while I do nothing. While I slave away at things that ultimately don’t make me happy. While I fantasize about being happy and then open my eyes to see it happening to the people around me. This has to stop, I wish I could stop it now but it takes time.

Every thing takes so much time. But then you open your eyes and so much has passed you by.

– k

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