I don’t know how to deal with this … how to deal with some one taking advantage of my soul and my body … then being so manipulative … I just want to run and hide. I don’t want to see him tomorrow … to have him touch me … be near me. I don’t want his guilt trip sweet talkin’ … his “i’m sorry i hurt you … i have feelings for you…’ .

I feel dirty and used. Scared. I want Mike to come up here and handle this … to hold me and never ever leave me … but it’s just the cycle of abuse that I put myself though … I let myself be the abused chick … the one w/ the low self esteem … the one that rationalized all the abuse as just my imagination. I need to stop … or I will allow myself to die because I didn’t give a shit enough about myself to keep myself from being violated … abused … crushed and put down. I need to not let this happen to me … but honestly … I feel powerless to stop it.

-k

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