Well I’m cold as Hell. It’s freezing in here and we only have two small space heaters. Damnit! But I love this house. I’ll miss it when I go. :(
What’s going on with me? Not a lot. Working on a new layout for my web page. It’s going good but I need to decide on content and if I want to use frames. That’s my big web dilemma. :)
Also I don’t know, I’ve been floating on compliments today. What can I say, the boys just love me. :P God I’m so full of shit but it’s fun to be me sometimes.
Also I’m flip flopping. I was depressed today, earlier. I had a bad experience with Mike last night which I was going to document but I have decided not to. It was not pleasant though. It made me feel distrustful and angry and hurt. There are things that happen at vulnerable times that can hurt you psychologically. I don’t know… but it’s over I suppose.
‘give all your hope to me… make all your love to me…’
God I have this weird need for sensuality in my life. I feel at times (ok always) that I don’t even live in my body. My body and I, we have a bad relationship. I don’t like much about it even though there are people who like it but probably because it belongs to me. I don’t know but any how, the point is that we don’t get on well. It’s hard to feel with my body and enjoy with my body. Touches don’t I don’t feel and it’s as if I’m physically numb to sensations. In my life there is little that is really sensual.
Relating to last night, it was sexual and sensuous and it was a surprise. Then at the height of my feeling, of giving over to my body’s needs, it was all taken away from me. So how do I trust? How do I forgive? How do I feel comfortable with myself? I guess I don’t honestly. It’s been this long and the first time I let it all go, it’s short lived and hurtful. Damn it! This body that I hardly feel apart of feels for once and then it’s snatched away.
There are men that would say “well you haven’t had the right man” or something asinine like that. I’m sorry but it’s not them, it’s me. I am the one with the issues. I’m the one that can’t feel my body! I can’t blame it totally on any one else. I can blame the lack of attentiveness on my previous partners however, it’s not all them. I’ve had offers and I’ve been a little intimate with people who are much more attentive but again, my mind shuts my body down and I cease to feel with it. Sorry but I’m not looking for the right sexy man to make all my orgasmic dreams come true. No thanks.
Ok well I’m ranting. That’s what’s on my mind. Pretty interesting huh??
Oh and here are some pictures. I’m not sexy I promise you. :P
Hows thems apples? :P